AUGUSTA CONFIDENTIAL: Chapter 13
The Twilight Zone, Toxic Foam & The Ghost of Libby. Or, cruelty is the point.
By Reese Calloway
At this point, the Maine GOP has gone full Mad Hatter. They rant about tyranny while trying to criminalize healthcare. They scream about censorship while dreaming of banning books. They deny climate change while sweating through polyester suits and hallucinating weather satellites and nuclear power. They want to rewrite history, the Constitution and the Legislature’s rules until they get the power they think they’re owed.
The Republican obstructionism isn’t governing. It’s gameplay for creeps and toadies, motivated by a political movement that thrives on hurting others. I’ve had enough. I’m thinking about stopping being polite. Especially when insurrectionists play patriot dress-up and 5-G microwavian conspiracists lecture us on science.
Somewhere, under the copper Dome, democracy is tapping out an “... - - - …” in Morse code hoping the masses can hear the emergency message over the cacophony of the Far Right chewing on their own talking points. Because from solar panels to mifepristone to Mennonite car insurance, we officially crossed the threshold from circus to carnival, where the only thing more dysfunctional than the process and proceedings of the 132nd Legislature is the GOP’s misunderstanding of reality.
For the sake of your time—and my mental stability—we’re going to skip the procedural snooze-fest and go straight to the freakshow. Consider this a greatest-hits reel of recent GOP nonsense, with each lowlight more embarrassing, and dimmer, than the last.
More careful readers might see the same bill numbers pop up more than once. That’s not déjà vu or typographical error. That’s just how our legislative process works: bills ping-pong between chambers until they pass, die or get smothered under a pile of half-baked amendments and self-righteous floor speeches. I’ll spare you the legalese, but I’ll leave the bill numbers so you can fact-check the absurdity for yourself.
As committees wind down and the rat sausage-making hits the floor, House Republicans continue their grand tradition of wasting time, sabotaging common sense and treating the Constitution like a shared Google doc on a QAnon subreddit.
LD 92: Solar Sabotage
In what can only be described as legislative whiplash, Republicans tried to kill off solar energy under the guise of “fixing” waste issues. The bill was so poorly written, it felt more like a botched ChatGPT prompt fed through a meat grinder than a piece of legitimate legislation.
Rep. Mike Soboleski stood up not once, not twice, but thrice, to explain he’s not anti-solar—just anti-this bill, anti-waste and possibly anti-sunshine. Someone check his vitamin D levels and examine his finance reports to see if he’s taking campaign donations from Big Shade. Under legislative rules, a third rising requires permission and usually requires an actual point. This didn’t meet the prerequisites.
Then Rep. Mike Lemelin took the mic and launched into a rambling “so I sez to the guy” monologue that would’ve sounded better, I’m sure, to an imbecile sitting at a dive bar after enjoying four Coors Lights and two Goldschlägers on the rocks. Instead, the chamber civilly listened all the way through until his babbling peroration, wasting important legislative time on the taxpayers’ dime.
LD 407: The Brunswick Blunder
Rep. Dan Ankeles offered a perfectly reasonable proposal eligible for widespread bi-partisan support: stop dowsing, douching and otherwise dumping PFAS foam on Maine communities. Naturally, this bill received a divided report because, in all fairness, the GOP needed to ensure toxic chemicals had their say, too.
Reps. Soboleski, Tammy Schmersal-Burgess and Dick Campbell once again showed they’ll defend anything short of anthrax if it means opposing regulation. I’m joking about the anthrax, though. Because I’m not 100 percent sure that those three amigos believe in the existence of weaponized anthrax, which spreads the disease of sheep and cattle that causes fatal septicemia in humans.
Miraculously, we were spared Soboleski’s usual dime-store version of the Socratic method with his constant “has anyone actually died from PFAs?” routine. Small victories.
LD 163: Reproductive Rights, but Make It Misogynistic
Who better to discuss birth control access than… Rep. Bob Foley, an elderly insurance salesman from Wells. Because nothing reassures women about their rights quite like “Weird Grandpa Explains the Pill.”
Meanwhile Rep. Poppy Arford got point-of-ordered twice just for existing while female. Rep. Josh Morris, the realtor from Turner, got embarrassingly lost in his own speech, then wandered into some vague and number-less “cost concerns.” That’s rich coming from a guy – who on more than one occasion – needed a primer on supply and demand and other basic economic principles. Then GOP leader William Robert Faulkingham took the mic and introduced a new GOP obsession: “birth control fraud.” That’s not a policy debate—it’s another “... - - - …” for help from a sinking ship of Christian-Nationalist misogynists.
LD 918: Mennonites & Motor Vehicles
Rep. Steve Foster delivered a dramatic 20-minute monologue about Mennonites self-insuring their vehicles. I’m sure his Penobscot County constituents appreciated the shout-out and his dedication to ensuring that qualifying religious organizations can self-insure their vehicles. The measure failed to progress, though, while the rest of us were trapped in what felt like a test reading of an insurance pamphlet.
LD 644: Kids in the Workforce, Again
Yes, the child labor expansion bill is back. Luckily, it died again. No, that won’t stop the GOP from resuscitating it for the next legislative session. It’s like reviving child exploitation is an obsession with these guys.
LD 422: Municipal Approval to Place Noncitizens
This one doesn’t deserve a rehash, except as a reminder of the racist tendencies exuded by Maine Republicans and their base. This measure is purely anti-immigrant, anti-local control and anti-decency. Not to mention anti-democratic. The GOP’s argument? Local governments can’t be trusted—unless they’re banning books or criminalizing drag shows. Then, in those cases, it’s all about "freedom"
LD 702: January 6 Remembrance Day
Rep. Rafael Macias, a Navy veteran with over 20 years of service and deployments to both the Persian Gulf and Afghanistan, gave a sobering account of why remembering the attempted rebellion on January 6 matters.
Then came the fever dream.
Rep. Katrina Smith – whose Q-Anon believing husband was on the steps of the Capitol on J-6 – called the insurrectionists “Patriots.” And Smith, an End Times Christian, proclaimed Trump’s win was a “mandate.”
Then Rep. Alicia Collins read the names of insurrectionist arrestees who later died by suicide, casting them as martyrs instead of felons.
Rep. Barb Bagshaw, a “Stop the Steal” enthusiast who actually attended the insurrection, claimed police “waved people in” and that the rioting was all peaceful.
When you find yourself defending a mob that smeared their feces on the walls of the U.S. Capitol and attacked cops doing their job, perhaps it’s time to tighten your jowls and keep your mouth shut. But no, these traitors stood tall for the cause of anti-democratic historical revisionism, Proud Boy apologia and criminal intent.
LD 582: Rudnicki’s PFAS Revelation
Used car salesperson Rep. Shelley Rudnicki shared that she has high levels of PFAS in her blood. Which, apparently, causes cognitive dissonance. Because the next thing Rudnicki did was argue against regulating PFAS. That’s like a diabetic voting against lowering insulin costs. Wait. Did that happen, too?
LD 492: Parental Rights, or Constitutional Coloring book?
Ah yes—the “Parental Rights” constitutional amendment. A bill straight out of the Moms for Liberty playbook, designed to carve anti-trans hysteria into granite. Their logic? Families matter. Yes. We know. So do Labradors Retrievers, warm cookies and milk, but we’re not amending the Constitution for them. This bill isn’t about parental rights. It’s a blank check to grievance extremists, signed in Sharpie, stamped with a Ron DeSantis seal-of-approval.
LD 538: Mifepristone Meltdown
The GOP treated this bill like it was a bomb threat. The aforementioned Foley gave a dissertation on FDA-labeling like he was a contestant on a special episode of Jeopardy: Anti-Abortionist Mansplainer. His goal? Make it harder for people to access mifepristone. Because, in his eyes, women making personal decisions with their doctors is the true threat to democracy.
LD 635: Climate Change is a Joke (Literally)
Rep. Will Tuell wants to strip the Attorney General’s constitutional authority with an act to “Direct the Attorney General to Drop the Lawsuit Filed Against Big Oil Companies Concerning Climate Change.” Lemelin piled on by saying climate change is a “hoax.” Why? Because “they don’t call it global warming anymore.” Then Lemelin started talking about microwaves being shot into the sky. Seriously.
This wasn’t a floor speech—it was a TED Talk for the tinfoil hat constituency.
Rev. Paul Flynn, a real estate agent and church pastor, blamed cartels in Albion for environmental instability. Faulkingham ranted about Chinese grow houses. At this point, all that’s missing is Bigfoot testifying in committee, griping about the Yeti and Loch Ness Monster conspiring against UFO disclosure.
LD 252: Ditching the Popular Vote Compact
Once again, J-6 “tourist” Bagshaw took to the mic to howl like a banshee with a bullhorn. Please stop yelling. We get it. Your orange guy won. But that doesn’t mean we should throw out the Electoral College reform. Rep. Adam Lee gave a Broadway-worthy rebuttal, but alas, the bill still advanced. The GOP just can’t resist voting for minority rule. R’s won that vote. Time for the Senate to unfuck it.
The Chicken Bill. Again. Still. Why.
Not trolling for sympathy, but I want you to understand that we are subjected to an endless roll calls on bills as thrilling as municipal pet-and-chicken tracking. Many of these wannabe laws drags us into legislative purgatory. Each proposal glues you to your seat, guessing if there will be a debate and how long you’ll have to clench your sphincter. This part of the legislative session means no lunch breaks and no warning of what’s next. We’re ruled by the sudden clang of the vote bell, which usually rings while you’re in the restroom, unzipping and questioning your life choices that led you to run for the State House in the first place.
THE GHOST OF LAUREL LIBBY
LD 1948 emergency funding for MaineCare was supposed to be the main event. This was a critical, last-ditch effort to keep healthcare providers afloat. Rep. Rachel Henderson broke with the GOP and voted yes. Still failed. Because in the Maine GOP, cruelty isn’t a bug, it’s the main feature.
Then, once again, drama. The floor session was abruptly halted. Leadership bolted. Whispers flew. Minutes later, they returned with stone faces and no answers. Then the news came out:
The U.S. Supreme Court had granted Rep. Laurel Libby emergency relief, allowing her the right-to-vote. A legal Hail Mary after she was banned from floor participation for refusing to follow ethics rules connected to her bigoted doxxing of a teenage athlete
Suddenly reporters appeared like it was the return of a murder verdict. But Libby? Nowhere to be seen. Whispers of her name floated through the halls like she was Voldemort. Beetlejuice. A ghost with Stepfordian eyes, haunting the chamber she tried to burn down as a way to spew her vile venom.
For the record, the ruling allowed her to vote but not speak. That alone will save us two hours a day and an unknowable number of brain cells per session.
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