Give the Gift (Certificate) of Societal Escape
A weekend in a cabin in the woods of western Maine can cure what ails yah.
Climate disasters, AI slop and the rise of Christo-Fascism in the U.S. are NOT driving me insane, only because of my privilege of living close to the land, in the hills of western Maine, working on a beautiful farmstead in harmony with critters, plants and trees. That and the hashish.
Sorry, I can’t share the hash or the burgeoning internal feeling of late that change is on the way. (Whether that’s good or bad, I dunno.) But during a couple night stay in an off-the-grid cabin on our land, you can experience what it’s like to commune with the natural world, on my stomping-grounds, with lots of tree-hugging, star-gazing and fire-watching. And ONLY for Crash Report subscribers (both free and paid) I’m offering a SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT PACKAGE that includes a two-night, weekend getaway (spring, summer or fall 2026) for up to four adults (two in the cabin and two in a tent with queen-size air mattress) plus signed copies of my novel Sex, Drugs and Blueberries and my gritty memoir Tough Island AND a personal tour of the farm, including visits with pigs, goats and chickens.
And, if you’d like, the opportunity to sit for spell on the porch of my writing shack.
This unique SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT PACKAGE, available for a limited time only, can be that special present for that special someone. Or for yourself. Or for you and your three besties. (Gift certificates suitable for framing available until the new year.) Price: $500 for the weekend, tax and fees included, plus signed copies of the books, the DVD and other special perks. That’s a savings of 20 percent compared to what NON-subscribers to the Crash Report pay for the same two-night-long adventure package.
The lumber for your cozy cabin, btw, was milled from a couple big old pine trees that used to tower about ten feet to the westward. (You can still see the stumps.) The cabin sits on a very private 5 acres in the northwest corner of the farmstead, where you may encounter deer, moose, grouse, owl, fox, porcupine, skunk, eagle, wild turkey, turkey vultures, Canada Lynx and squirrels. All these critters, and more, just 45 minutes north of Auburn.
Complimentary with your cabin: unlimited firewood, unlimited spring water, a bulb of garlic, a half dozen eggs and a gift of organic cannabis from my personal grow, allowed under Maine state law. Heck, if you feel like it, you can visit the canna-grove and witness how these wondrous plants thrive under the Maine sun.
During our walkabout, I’ll also explain how, for the last 15 years, we’ve been using porcine labor to help with the land-clearing, garden-making and freezer-filling. Pigs are my absolute favorite colleagues, especially as they work in fields and brush. The highlight of my day — spring, summer and fall — is often pig-related antics, thanks to their snouts in the ground, always rooting for buried treasure. Or wiggling in their wallow. Or napping in their pig-house.
Cabin guests are welcome to pull up a chair and watch the whole hog show anytime during the daylight hours of their stay as part of the SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT PACKAGE.
Also during the tour, after we visit the magical Brigid Spring (the source of our pure water), we’ll stop by the gardens, where my sweet wife Sweetgrass, an herbalist and farmer with two green thumbs, would be glad to share her knowledge about the herbs and other plants that prosper under her care and attention.
The following services are available to guests. (Weather dependent.) Goat-visiting. Starry skies. Gentle breezes. Balsam smell. Hoot of owl. Grunt of pig. Squawk of chicken. Woodpecker pecking. Grouse drumming. Campfire smoke. Hammocks and zero gravity chairs for ultimate relaxation.
Things to bring: Novels, guitars, flutes, kaleidoscopes, art supplies, whittling knife, compass, walking stick, hat, sunglasses, bug dope, head lamp, metal detector, rock pick, flint and steel, scat guide, bird book, tree chart, bathing suits. ((Pristine Maine lake beach one mile from camp.))
Your cabin includes a screened-in outdoor kitchen, fully equipped with pots, pans, plates, silverware, sharp knives and a two-burner cook stove and a new gas grill.
Or cook old skool and prepare a delicious feast over the glowing campfire that you kindled with the complimentary firewood.
As the night grows darker and darker (because there isn’t any light pollution in this ‘hood) you can breathe deeply, while sipping on a mug of amazing spring water (or beer, wine or cider) and stare into the Milky Way (sky permitting) to ponder the Universe. Or, smoke some amazing complimentary cannabis, then make S’Mores over the open flame. All up to YOU!
Then, when the time comes, retire to quiet slumber in your cozy cabin with comfortable queen-sized bed, wood stove, books a-plenty and a handful of board games.
Awaken the following morning, at your leisure, then re-kindle the coals to cook breakie on the campfire griddle, using complimentary eggs (bacon not provided), produced by our free-ranging flock of mini-dinosaur-birds.
All this to say, everyone that has ever stayed in this off-the-grid cabin had a great time. Below is an entry in the cabin’s guest book from last summer from a satisfied visitor.
Below is a hammock especially constructed for forest bathers.
Those partaking in the SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT PACKAGE also receive signed copies of my books Tough Island and Sex, Drugs and Blueberries.
Plus you’ll get a DVD (?!?!?!?) of the indie film sex, drugs & blueberries which was shot — mostly — here on the farmstead. Starring Grammy-winner Dave Gutter and myself, the film is a story about how quickly things can go wrong. Especially in Washington County, during the height of the Oxy epidemic.
To purchase SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT PACKAGE, send a message to crash@crashbarry.com for payment details. Venmo, PayPal, Stripe, checks and money orders accepted.
NO CRYPTO!
Just looking for a literary gift? A Crash Pack of personally inscribed copies of Tough Island and Sex, Drugs and Blueberries is also available. Fifty bucks with shipping and tax includes a rare DVD of sex, drugs & blueberries, the film starring Dave Gutter and Crash Barry, and a signed, limited edition Mary Margaret “She was 100 percent gray.” print from Tough Island. Message me re: inscription and payment details.
You can gift a subscription to the Crash Report for all the elves on your Solstice ‘25 list for $7 monthly and $75 annually to support independent investigative journalism that goes places other media won’t.