Wet Hot Christian-Nationalist Summer, Chapter 1
The Christian God Punishes Maine GOP Leader for Breaking Child Labor Laws, Lying about Boat Wreck
House Minority Leader Billy Bob Faulkingham is having a hard time. The 40-foot lobster boat he capsized and sank last September while shooting video for the socials still sits ashore in a Washington County boat shop. With the restoration about a third done, the heavily patched (and still engine-less) vessel is a long way from returning to the House GOP leader’s mooring in Winter Harbor.
Due to multiple delays, he’s been forced to borrow his dad’s lobster boat — Gramp’s Bird — to haul his traps. And since Faulkingham’s last sternman was nearly killed when his cap’n flipped the boat, no sensible adult wants to go to haul with him. So the state lawmaker has apparently resorted to breaking child labor laws and bringing a 14-year-old boy out to haul, two or three times a week since school let out in June.
Faulkingham is also probably bumming, big time, because his boat repair bill continue to grow. And he’s lost a ton of income (and gained new expenses and mortgage and interest payments from a refi on his wharf), all thanks to trying to capture “breaking wave” content for the socials. (On Facebook, btw, he calls himself a “digital creator” and where he frequently used his vessel as a prop for his content. Until he sank the boat, that is.)
The first two chapters of Wet Hot Christian-Nationalist Summer debunks, annotates and updates Faulkingham’s tall tale that a rogue wave capsized his vessel, along with explaining the seriousness of his child labor law violations. And we’ll go over the numbers, proving how the boat sinking is likely to end up costing the dude over a half million bucks, or more, depending on how soon he gets back to work. And in Chapter 3, we look at how Faulkingham’s Christian-Nationalism influences his legislative activities.
In summary, the House GOP Leader was friggin’ around in a well-known and notoriously dangerous spot off Turtle Island, near his hometown of Winter Harbor, (about six miles east of Bar Harbor, as the gull flies) when he smashed into a ledge, capsizing, and seriously injuring his sternman, all to create content for the socials.
Instead of admitting to his stupid mistake, though, Faulkingham, a freshly-baptized End Times Christian, lied about where he was when the boat flipped and covered up with a bizarre story of divine intervention. He has repeatedly told media and church groups about the alleged rogue wave and how his God miraculously kept the boat afloat until they were rescued. Also, an angel possibly helped Faulkingham up out of the water, while his sternman was knocked out, concussed, with a broken arm, under the overturned boat. (More on the angelic rescue in Chapter 2.)
As the one-year anniversary of the sinking approaches, and his vessel is still not ready, gotta wonder if Faulkingham regrets not just taking the $200,000 insurance payout he received and buying a good used boat, so he could be back at work, catching lobsters and making money to support his family. Instead, due to unfathomable reasons, he stuck with a destroyed boat and elaborate reconstruction that comes with a giant repair bill.
Also, I wonder if he’s having doubts about that whole divine intervention thing. Because it must seem to him that his God is hindering rather than helping him get back to work. Perhaps Faulkingham is in the midst of a crisis of faith? Maybe he’s starting to think his God wasn’t involved in the Turtle Island incident after all. Maybe he’s beginning to think the Devil is responsible for him crashing into that damn ledge. And, possibly, maybe Beelzebub himself is delaying the boat’s re-construction. After all, Faulkingham is fervent in his belief that are many demons causing trouble on a daily basis for good Christians across Maine and the world.
I’m serious.
When fascism comes to America, it will come wrapped in the flag and waving the cross.- source unknown (not Sinclair Lewis)
Faulkingham is the de facto leader of a group of Maine lawmakers who attend a variety of End Times churches, where true believers are convinced the modern world is currently under Satanic control. These are churches where speaking-in-tongues, healing the sick and casting out alleged demons are accepted as legit.
Even crazier, these churches are hotbeds of Christian-Nationalism, Five-Fold Ministries and the Seven Mountain Mandate. (I’ll explain those terms in greater detail in a second.) Basically, these folks accept and share a theology believing that as soon as Christians take control of society and government, the Apocalypse is triggered and Jesus will return to Earth for the Day of Reckoning.
For the last year, I’ve been observing and learning about the churches that Faulkingham and other lawmakers attend. (And watching countless livestreams so you don’t have to.) These are independent charismatic churches with a Pentecostal flair, run by white male autocratic pastors who rule with an iron fist (mixed with magical thinking). These preachers belong to loose-knit networks unified by a focus on eschatology rather than denominational tradition or canonical beliefs.
As culture warriors, the preachers of this ilk boast of their anti-wokeness and often have creepy obsessions with drag queens, gender and the sexuality of children. And these types of churches don’t try to hide their hate. Heck, most ‘em list the types of people they view as sinners on their websites.
These are high-control homophobic cults where the rules are the rules. Marriage is between bio-male to bio-female only. No sex until marriage. No abortion at all. Not even if the woman’s life is in danger. Also, in terms of decision-making, the wife is expected to submit to the husband, who submits to the pastor, who submits to the Christian God.
These churches are NOT for dabblers who toss twenty bucks in the collection basket on Sunday and call it good. These churches require commitment. Pastors demand ten percent, off the top, of the entire family’s gross income, BEFORE TAXES. In addition to the tithe, there are additional money-asks, from special fundraising for new buildings to extra offerings for visiting prophets, preachers and apostles.
The commitment is more than just cash. There’s Sunday service, then Wednesday night Bible study and other prayer meetings. And lately, extra on-line accountability and study-buddy groups have also become the norm. Of course, members are required to indoctrinate their kids, preferably via homeschool, Sunday school, Bible Vacation Camp and more.
(Later in Wet Hot Christian-Nationalist Summer, we look at the latest hybrid of homeschool/Christian academy that Christo-Nash families are being encouraged to join.)
In Faulkingham’s case, with his diminished income due to sinking his boat while friggin’ around in the surf, his family’s tithe has greatly decreased in the last year. Which might explain why, despite his already busy schedule, Faulkingham volunteered, in June, to lead his church’s new alt-Scout group. Called “Trail Life USA,” it’s an anti-woke substitute for Scouting America, formerly the Boy Scouts of American (BSA). Instead of “scouts,” it’s supposed 55,000 members in 1100 troops in all 50 states are called “trail men.” Which just sounds weird, considering that kids from age 5 to 18 can join.
According to Trail Life USA’s website, the group was formed as a response to the BSA’s decision to allow gay youth to participate in scouting. The official launch of Trail Life came on Jan. 1, 2014, the same day the BSA’s membership policy on gay youth took effect. And the current “membership standards” require members to honor their “God-given identity revealed in their biological sex by presenting as and living consistent with that sex.” Also, the group considers any sex “outside the context of the covenant of marriage between one man and one woman is sinful before God.”
First of all, it’s creepy that an organization geared to kids between 5 and 18 years old is so fixated on sex and gender. Equally as creepy is that Trail Life USA’s headquarters are on 125 acres near Belton, South Carolina that, up until 2014, was the location of the now defunct “Boys Home of the South” where multiple boys were victims of sexual abuse by staff and other humans. The Trail Lifers took the facility over (apparently for zero dollars) when the Boys Home dissolved amid multiple lawsuits.
According to Faulkingham, each new Trail Life USA troop “has to be chartered by a church. We’re in luck! I’ve got a great church and they said yes to chartering a troop! That doesn’t mean you or your child have to become members. That is just to make sure that the leadership remains people of good moral character and that good Godly morals and instructions are adhered to.”
Gotta wonder if the “Trail Life” bosses did a background check on Faulkingham before giving him the local franchise? After all, Faulkingham’s arrest and guilty plea in 2003 for a tossing a bucket of human excrement on an enemy is common knowledge. (Not to mention other run-ins with the law, including arrests for drunk driving and assault.)
And, as you’ll read in Chapter 2, Faulkingham having any “moral character” is questionable, especially when it comes to telling the truth and owning up to mistakes.
To recap: the House GOP leader is the proud new leader of a scout-like group that discriminates against LGBTQ youth.
If you like Project 25, you’re gonna love the Seven Mountains Mandate For Christian-Nationalists
For the purpose of Wet Hot Christian-Nationalist Summer, I define Christian-Nationalism as the political movement that believes the United States has lost its way as a Christian Nation. These Christo-chuds believe their long-bearded sky-god created the U.S. as a white Christian-Ethnostate, a refuge for his heavily-armed chosen people, to be ruled by Biblical law. Perpetual victims, the Christo-Nash blame feminism, pluralism and multiculturalism for replacing straight white men with multi-gendered woke-folk.
And they’re looking forward to the End Times to spend eternity in Heaven above, with no vaccines, taxes or queers.
While mainline Christian apologists try to portray the Christo-Nash as fringe, the reality is that a growing number of U.S. politicians have embraced the identity, name and goal. House Speaker Mike Johnson subscribes to this philosophy. Many GOP congressional members, including Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, Mary Miller and others self-ID as Christo-Nash.
Most Christo-Nash are evangelical Christians, though some extremely conservative Roman Catholics (like the GOP’s vice presidential candidate J.D. Vance) as well as the splinter Trad-Cats (who prefer pre-Vatican II Catholicism) have joined the cult. The Christo-Nash and Catho-Nash (both Con-Cats and Trad-Cats) apparently, have put aside their differences (popes, nuns and saints) and embraced their shared interests (abortion, large families, dominionism) in order to “Make America Godly Again.”
In Maine, House GOP Leader Faulkingham leads a cadre of lawmakers who share this philosophy. To be clear, the Christo-Nash aren’t normie Christians or Jesus-loving hippies with social justice goals linked to inclusion, love and healing for all. The Christo-Nash are hardcore haters of “other” who prefer the vengeful God of the Old Testament compared to the libs’ “woke Jesus.”
And they’re very strange.
Which brings us to “Five-Fold Ministries.” Faulkingham’s church, for instance, is one of many who subscribe to the “Five-Fold” system, believing we’re living in miraculous times, akin to the biblical era when all sorts of mystical and supernatural stuff happened on a regular basis.
In a nutshell (literally), these people believe modern-day prophets (soothsayers) and apostles (divine spokesmen) walk among us and have been “gifted” the magical ability to directly communicate with the Christian God. (The other three “gifts” in the five-fold quiver are evangelist, pastor and teacher.) And the best part, there’s no certification required and you can possess multiple gifts. Anybody can declare themselves, for instance, a prophet and evangelist — or, in theory, all five — without blinking. And there’s actually trade groups for apostles and pastors and even for the self-proclaimed prophets, who issue a collective annual preview of what’s gonna happen in the future.
Five-fold congregations also use miracles and “spiritual warfare” to battle the evil demonic enemy, both foreign and domestic, with help from the Holy Spirit. This spiritual warfare includes glossolalia (the official name for the aforementioned speaking-in-tongues), plus fervent praying, exorcisms, wailing, gnashing of teeth and blowing the shofar.
In case you’re unfamiliar with the shofar, it’s a curved ram’s horn horn, traditionally blown by ancient Jews as a battle signal and was used as both a call to war and a call to freedom. (In modern Judaism, the shofar is part of synagogue services on Rosh Hashanah and at the end of Yom Kippur.) In recent years, the Christo-Nash have appropriated the horn-blowing into their spiritual warfare arsenal whenever they wanna get in the mood to battle the agents of the Devil.
Here’s a short video I made in late May 2024 of a group of middle-aged white women blowing the ram’s horn horn in an attempt to purge the Maine State House of demons, Democrats and other evil spirits during a Christo-Nash revival. Click here to read the Crash Report “Maine media ignores thousands of End Timers gathered in Capitol Park.”
I don’t want to go into it now, because it’s crazy-talk, however these folks believe in the concept of “territorial spirits.” Meaning demons have control of geographical areas. A demon, for instance, could be in control of an area as large as the Middle East or China. Or, conversely, as small as the Maine State House and the surrounding government buildings.
To be blunt, these people believe (and frequently think about) the Apocalypse is right around the corner. Even though it sounds bonkers, most of these people literally view the Book of Revelation as a roadmap, not the rantings of a mad poet in the midst of a psychedelic trip inspired by eating Syrian Rue seeds.
Arg.
To the true believers in this death-cult, the destruction of Earth is just a necessary part of their God’s plan in guaranteeing their eternal life in heaven above.
I’m more theologian than biblical scholar. However, thanks to many years as an altar boy, then lector, at the now-defunct St. Matthew’s Catholic Church in Indian Orchard, Massachusetts, I know my way around the Old and New Testaments. (I’m often told my readings of Scripture aloud are “very convincing.”) Even these days, after forty-something years as an atheistic skeptic, I still enjoy reading, contemplating and contextualizing Biblical stories. And throughout my 30-year career as a journalist, I’ve researched and observed several religious communities in Maine and New England to further my understanding of high-control groups.
Which is why I find it extremely freaky that Christian-Nationalism, at it’s core, is an accelerationist cult, eager for the Apocalypse.
(In far-right circles, there are other non-Christian accelerationists, like Hammer-the-chud’s Blood Tribe, who would desire their own Odinist version of Apocalypse. For your sake, I hope the previous sentence doesn’t make sense, but if you’re curious, check out Hammer Part 1, Hammer Part 2, Hammer Part 3, Hammer Part 4 (The Curse of Boneface) and the Crash Report entitled No Hugs for Chuds.)
According to their interpretation of the Bible, on Judgement Day, the Christo-Nash version of God will reanimate every dead human who has ever lived. Then everyone gets judged. Baddies who fail the litmus test are tossed into the Lake of Fire, forever banished to suffer serious burns and extreme discomfort. Those born-again and already baptized in the Holy Spirit, will survive and be welcomed into Heaven. Then, regardless of gender, they don a white linen gown to become a Bride of Christ.
That’s right. Faulkingham and many of his pals in the Legislature are living just to die. Dead, in heaven, they will wear white dresses when they marry Jesus in a divine mass-poly-pan-wedding.
This, btw, runs completely afoul of what I learned about Heaven as a young Catholic. Dying with a mortal sin on your conscience, unforgiven, means hellfires eternal. Basically, good baptized Catholics who confess their sins to a human priest prior to dying get transported to Heaven. People who were just okay, morally, did some time in Purgatory to expiate their sins. Dead, unbaptized babies, however, went to Limbo.
Limbo, ironically, is pretty much the same place that the dead Christian End Timers hang out until they’re re-animated on Judgement Day. Because, contrary to popular cultural beliefs, in the Christo-Nash understanding of Scripture, no one goes to Heaven until Christ the Savior comes back to Earth and deals with all the sinners and whatnot.
Zombie resuscitation aside, the Christo-Nash beliefs get stranger and definitely more NON-biblical the deeper you go. In order to initiate the nightmarish reanimation of the dead on Judgement Day, most Christian-Nationalists subscribe to a relatively new and wacky right-wing religious belief known as the “Seven Mountains Mandate.”
Here’s the skinny: True believers must conquer “The Seven Mountains” of modern society, currently under demonic control, in order to trigger the End Times, re-animate corpses, bring back Jesus, etc. The seven spheres of society allegedly being control by evil spirits are the family, religion, education, media, arts & entertainment, business and, most powerfully, the government. And the gov’t is the most important mountain for the death-cultists to conquer because it controls the other mountains.
According to 7MM legend, in 1975, the Christian God reportedly entered the dreams of two American preachers (on the same night, apparently, but in separate beds in different places) informing them that Christians need to conquer the seven spheres of modern society in order to bring about the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. Then, about a decade ago, End Times influencer and prophet Lance Wallnau updated and code-named the operation as “the Seven Mountains Mandate.”
To recap: Inspired by a pair of prophetic dreams, the growing Christo-Nash movement wants to control society in order to accelerate the destruction of our world. And the most significant mountain is the government because of its ability to regulate all the other mountains.
That’s why Faulkingham and his posse are working hard — and raising a ton of cash for Election 2024 — to conquer the “Maine Government Mountain.” And, oddly, some of these knuckleheads might not even be aware of the details and theories of the Seven Mountain Mandate. In many cases, these legislators are often just numb meat-puppets following the orders of the Christo-Nash influencers who see the big picture: strip as many rights as possible from non-Christians, non-whites, and non-straights while deregulating industry and removing environmental regs, all in the name of their Lord, laughing all the way to the bank, then the Apocalypse.
WARNING: You may be thinking that all this End Times talk is metaphorical and these dreams of conquering the societal mountains is purely farcical. Unfortunately, it’s not.
Fortunately, the Christo-Nash don’t represent all Christians. Unfortunately, indie charismatic End Timers are one of the few “churches” growing in these modern days of waning religiosity.
Fortunately, in order for the 7MM prophecy to come true, Christians have to conquer the global Seven Mountains, not just the local ones or all of ‘em in the U.S.A. Unfortunately, End Times church growth is a global phenomena.
Later in Wet Hot Christian-Nationalist Summer, we visit a spot in Maine that’s a tiny cog in the machine of the Christian Internationalism movement. And we attend a service at a growing End Times local church with big plans for the future, despite their belief that the Apocalypse could go down tomorrow. Or whenever they wrestle control of the Seven Mountains from the demons.
Yikes.
These churches require members to believe they’re part of a chosen people living in miraculous times. And to pay the church 10 percent off the top of their earnings. That grift, apparently, is easier to pull off than a cynic like me would’ve expect. I’ve been very surprised by the number of people who believe the supernatural stuff in the Bible and who want to be involved in healings, exorcism and demon-fighting cos-play. And these pastors take advantage of these dummies… I mean demon-fighters.
Of course, the Christo-Nash have the right, as Americans, to believe whatever weird shit they want and to give their hard-earned cash to a human in the name of their Lord in heaven above.
However, and because I wanna shout this from rooftops, I’m gonna all-caps it: CANDIDATES WHO BELIEVE THE END TIMES WILL COME WHEN THEIR CULT TAKES OVER GOVERNMENT SHOULD NOT BE ELECTED TO PUBLIC OFFICE.
Politicians who make long-term policy decisions based upon pulpit instruction can’t be trusted. Especially when the pulpits are occupied by nutty white male preachers who want to conquer the Seven Mountains of society in order to re-animate the dead for Judgement Day.
That’s why during the Wet Hot Christian-Nationalist Summer (and early fall) leading up to the November vote, the Crash Report will take a look at the oddball mix of local lawmakers who are part of a growing army of spiritual soldiers intent on subjugating local, state, federal and international governments in order to pave the way for the return of their Messiah. Because it would suck, big time, if these Christo-Chuds gained control of the Legislature.
Thus, today, we start with Billy Bob Faulkingham who, amazingly, is currently their best and highest-ranking mountain climber. Here he is delivering the Maine Republican Party’s “Good Friday” message recorded in legislative chambers in the State House during working hours.
My reporting on Faulkingham, btw, is an amalgamation of several of my journalistic interests and will be, by far, the lengthiest of all the Crash Reports on local Bible-thumping lawmakers.
As a former sternman on Matinicus, Maine’s most remote inhabited island, I’m interested in the plight of other stern-people, aka the hired hands who do all the hard work aboard a lobster boat and get blamed for everything that goes wrong. (My memoir Tough Island is available via Maine bookstores, like Sherman’s , Amazon or listen via Audible to hear my true stories from working aboard a lobster boat and living in an island shack during the early 1990s.)
Also, I’m a Coast Guard veteran (War on Drugs, War on Haitian Refugees) with an avid reportorial curiosity in maritime adventures and folly. And as a long-time Maine political muckraker, I’ve watched Faulkingham’s Libertarian, then Trumpian, antics as he climbed the government mountain. Combine all that with my aforementioned fascination with religious movements, coupled with the rise of Christian-Nationalism in U.S. politics, Faulkingham’s suspect story became a perfect storm for my various areas of expertise.
So in November, two months after the sinking, Episode 12 of my podcast Disinfomaniacs — thanks to help from a variety of maritime experts — debunked Faulkingham’s alleged rogue wave.
Good thing, too. Because the Maine media — and Faulkingham’s legislative colleagues and constituents — fell for his fishy tale hook, line and sinker. His version of the event has been published locally and re-published globally without journalists fact-checking whether or not “rogue waves capsizing lobster boats” was actually a thing. And because the mainstream media is embarrassingly reluctant to critique anything Christian, they ignored his claim of angelic involvement while still viewing him as a legit political leader.
So when I heard rumors of Faulkingham supposedly bringing a 14-year-old kid out to haul, I was pissed. Because I know what happened to his last sternman. As you’ll see in Chapter 2, Faulkingham’s irresponsible actions caused serious pain and suffering. Which makes it crazier that the person working the stern on his borrowed lobster boat is only a kid.
According to the Maine Department of Labor, it is also against the law. Sternmen, unless they have their own “student” license, need to be at least 16 years old. And, according to the Department of Marine Resources licensing database, Faulkingham’s 14-year-old assistant (who I’m not gonna name for obvious reasons) does not — and has never — held such a license.
To make matters worse, Faulkingham has repeatedly proven he is NOT a prudent mariner. The wreck last September that nearly killed his then-sternman was the THIRD time a boat captained by Faulkingham has ended up on the bottom of Frenchmen’s Bay. (Most mariners never sink once, let alone thrice.) And despite trying to portray himself as a hard-working fisherman, as you’ll see via exclusive photos in the chapter two of Wet Hot Christian-Nationalist Summer, he’s nothing but a part-timer and a lazy goofball whose wharf, scow and life are a mess. In the parlance of downeast Maine: a real dubbah.
Nonetheless, a whole bunch of weirdos want him to run for governor.
Despite the illegality of his sternman’s gig, according to a reliable waterfront source who spoke to the kid a couple weeks ago, the young fella is having a great time working with the Minority Leader of the Maine House. “I love it!” the stern-boy told my source. “We leave at 8 a.m. and are in by lunch and I make $50.”
The kid also seems to be helping the House GOP Leader with content creation. Theories from the shore abound, saying the 14-year-old was holding the camera while Faulkingham faked hauling a trap for a new Tik-Tok vid promoting House Speaker Mike Johnson’s politicking in Maine last week. Fake, btw, because Faulkingham had to cut the loud engine on his daddy’s boat in order to get usable audio, then pretended he was hauling a trap before humble-bragging about hanging out with his Christo-Nash superiors.
And the kid was apparently the camera-operator for this Tik-Tok video of a jumbo male lobster that Faulkingham said 12 pounds and 82 years old, “the same age as the oldest fisherman in Winter Harbor.” Some commenters question Faulkingham’s assertion that the lobster was 12 pounds. I agree, probably a six-pounder. Also, there’s no real way to determine a lobster’s age.
Let’s take a brief look at Maine child labor laws to understand how Faulkingham is apparently breaking them. Again, due to the hazardous nature of the job, the minimum age for a sternman is 16. More violations stack up, it appears, when looking at how Faulkingham actually pays his underage employee.
According to Department of Labor, sternman is one of the Maine jobs that allows compensation to be percentage based, rather than hourly. Also, sternmen are considered independent contractors, responsible for paying their own taxes. Because of that, sternmen are generally paid 15 percent of each day’s catch, after bait and fuel.
So if Faulkingham’s stern-boy is getting fifty a day, under the 15 percent system, that would mean that Faulkingham is pulling about $339, after bait and fuel. Which is highly unlikely. He can’t be that much of dubbah. Especially since $339, two or three times a week, isn’t nearly enough to pay his mounting bills. (More on Faulkingham’s fiscal health in Chapter 2, when we take a close look at the over half-million dollars — and still-growing — financial toll of sinking his boat.)
Furthermore, the fact the stern-boy receives the same wage each time proves he’s not getting paid by percentage. (Each day’s catch and bait/fuel bill is gonna be different, dependent on location, conditions and length of workday.) Which means Faulkingham is paying the kid $12.50 per hour, a buck and a half less than state minimum hourly wage. Which would be considered a second child labor law violation.
Plus, Faulkingham should be deducting federal and state taxes. (Unlikely he is.) Also, since he is apparently paying him under the table, that’s another vio. And because the kid is under 18, Faulkingham is required by law to keep a log of hours worked and tasks performed. I betcha a dozen hardshells that he’s not keeping a worklog for the kid.
Wonder what’s gonna happen if he gets busted? According to their website, “the Maine Department of Labor enforces state child labor laws. Violations of child labor laws are very serious. Any violation of a child labor law is a civil violation subject to fines that range from $250 to $50,000 per incident.”
Since the kid has supposedly been going out to haul two or three times a week for the past month, the minimum fine would be $2,500 or so. The extra-risky nature of being Faulkingham’s sternman, coupled with his position as legislative leader and the “paying-the-kid-under-the-table” issue should all be viewed as aggravating factors when determining the penalty for being a dubbah who can’t find legal hired hand.
And, once again, here’s the after-work photo of the last sternman, prior to the boy, who went out-to-haul with the Republican Leader of the Maine House of Representatives.
I’m sure his apologists will defend Faulkingham, claiming he’s learned his lesson and is sure to be extra-safe considering he has an illegal minor aboard. Well, those folks probably haven’t spent much time on the water.
Because I’m not worried Faulkingham will injure the kid and sink his papa’s boat while screwing around the surf to get vid for Tik-Tok. Because (you’d hope) that’s not a mistake he’d make twice. My concern is something going wrong while out-to-haul and the 14-year-old finds himself in a situation he shouldn’t be in.
A sad and common reality for lobstering communities is that even experienced captains get tangled up in a mess of pot warp on deck. I know, firsthand, how scary and instantaneous disaster underway can be.
Read (or listen) from the hardcover or Audible version of Tough Island and the terrifying story of when my first captain got tangled up in rope and nearly dragged to his death.
And, to be blunt, at the time of the incident with Captain Donald, I was a strapping 22-year-old sternman, fresh from a tour in the U.S. Coast Guard, and powerful as a young ox. And Captain Donald, in his mid-60s, was strong and relatively fit. So together, we turned a near death-by-drowning into a mere extreme dislocation of Captain Donald’s leg.
Consider Faulkingham’s situation. As you can see in his response video to the attempted assassination of Trump (apparently filmed aboard his father’s Gramp’s Bird), Faulkingham has put on a lot of weight since the sinking. By any measure, he would be considered morbidly obese. And a 14-year-old lad, just graduated from 8th grade with zero lobstering experience, should NOT be put in the position of potentially having to rescue such a hefty skipper. And I don’t even wanna imagine how slow the girthy Faulkingham would be reacting to something happening astern of his sightline.
The whole situation is maddening. Not only because Faulkingham is endangering the welfare of a child by bringing the kid out-to-haul, but that the kid’s parents agreed to let their minor son, work illegally aboard a borrowed boat captained by a fella who LITERALLY PUT HIS LAST STERNMAN IN THE HOSPITAL.
A solution of sorts
I’ve known about the underage sternman for about three weeks. Traditionally, for journalists, it’s usually difficult to confirm a minor’s birthdate without the parent’s help. And while my initial source for the tip is impeccable, I still worried there was some possibility of an odd reason (being held back a grade, covid, et al) that the newly-graduated eighth grader could somehow be 16 years old and thus legal. Not wanting to alert Faulkingham I was working on this story, I wasn’t gonna DM the kid’s mom to ask her kid’s age.
Thanks to a lackadaisical privacy setting on the minor’s mother’s Facebook profile, a simple search provided several instances of wishing her son a “Happy Birthday,” with corroborating year of birth evidence thanks to the metaverse’s date and time stamp. According to his mom’s data, the kid is currently 14-years-old. He won’t be 15 until December. Which means the boy couldn’t legally work aboard a lobster boat until December of 2026.
After checking with Department of Labor and the Department of Marine Resources, I feel confident asserting that Faulkingham seems to be breaking child labor laws and jeopardizing the life of his 14-year-old stern-boy. Also, according to the Department of Labor, anyone can report a suspected child labor violation. So on Friday, August 2, I filed a complaint with the DOL about Faulkingham.
Here’s the email I sent.
I’ll let you know how the Department of Labor responds.
In Saved By An Angel, Chapter 2 of Wet Hot Christian-Nationalist Summer we debunk Faulkingham’s fishy rogue wave tale, hear from the boatyard where his boat is located and look at the total price Faulkingham is paying for his hijinks. Paid subscribers get Chapter 2 first. For six bucks a month or sixty for a year, you can support my writing and journalism that goes places that others won’t. Paid subscribers also get early access to upcoming chapters of Wet Hot Christian-Nationalist Summer as well as special, top-secret content we don’t want the chuds to read.